I'm often asked how it is that different Realise2 relationship strengths don't always go together in the ways you might expect. The simple answer is that they are independent, if related, constructs (at least, often related, but not always). The more complex, but more realistic answer, is that there are often multiple levels at which these different relationship strengths operate together. And usually, underlying this question, is the self-critique of "If I have Emotional Awareness [for example], why is it that I don't also have Compassion?" Inherent within this is the significant value that society, culture, even humankind as a whole, tends to place on our attention to our interpersonal relationships.

As ever, understanding our situation and context can help us make sense of a lot. I have seen numerous profiles where Emotional Awareness is a realised strength for a person, but where they have Empathic Connection and even Compassion as learned behaviours. This can be challenging to our self-concept: Do we naturally notice how people are feeling, but struggle to prioritise our concern for them over our attention to other things that we need to get done? Could we really be so hard-hearted as to see their pain but not to do anything about it?

Where relationships are concerned, such questions are rarely simple. When I see this pattern, however, I always ask about the situation and context. "Have you been going through a lot of change and challenge in the organisation over recent months and years?" "Yes" is the typical answer, as we might expect. "As you have done that, have you found that you got to the point where you had had enough of listening to other people's problems and challenges, thinking quietly to yourself that it's the same for you and everybody, and that they should just get on with it?" Again, the reply is often affirmative, and quickly leads to an understanding of why relational strengths of concern for the welfare of others can be taken too far, too often. In being overplayed in this way, these strengths can then shift to become learned behaviours - things which we can do well enough but which, over time, will drain us when consistently used.

This pattern is particularly prevalent in people whose profiles are dominated by relationship strengths. If you are strong in Compassion, Emotional Awareness, Empathic Connection, and Personalisation, it is no surprise at all that you will be attuned to what is going on for other people. When this happens, the dynamic at play creates a ratchet effect whereby the strengths reinforce and extend each other and their impact - which can be great if you're a counsellor, or more of a challenge if listening to the problems of others is just one small part of your role, no doubt amongst a host of other corporate imperatives.

When relationship strengths such as these combine, they can overwhelm us with the emotional data that we pick up about other people. How this happens in practice will depend largely on the other dominant strengths in your profile. Add Listener into this relational mix and yours will likely be the ear to which everyone turns when they need to offload about what is going on - but is that your role, or indeed what you want to do? If you have Incubator, you might find that you take in lots of data from them, but don't give a lot back - finding yourself coming up with an answer or insight after the emotion train has already moved on. Combine these relational strengths with Feedback, and you are likely to find yourself telling the person what they may or may not be ready to hear. Added to Service, you might need to be careful about how often you switch into "rescue mode" and try to do everything you can to help them, even overstepping the bounds of what might be realistic or even appropriate.

We are all relational creatures. How our relationships play out in practice will be determined, in part, by the strengths combinations, and the dynamics of those combinations, that we can identify across our own profiles and those of the people with whom we interact. Whatever our dominant relational themes, the essence of a sustainable and effective relationship is to be able to give enough of ourselves to satisfy the other person, while getting enough back to meet our own needs. If you find yourself in the grip of concern for others all too often, remember now and again that it's okay to turn that concern towards yourself as well. We can't look after others effectively if we're not also looking after ourselves.

With best wishes,

Alex Linley